I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. - YorkieTalk.com Forums

DaisyMaesMom · 01-19-2006, 10:50 AM

Sorry to do this to you all again, but my ex is giving me a hard time about moving with my son and I have come up with a lot of solutions, all that he has turned down. I want you to read this letter that I am going to send him and let me know what you think.. Thanks!!

As per our conversation last night, January 18, 2006, wherein I called you concerning my upcoming move to Concord, North Carolina; please understand that I am trying to work amicably with you toward a solution to keep Danny out of court and to continue your relationship with him. My first suggestion was that I would agree to Danny spending four weeks with you during the summer, a week at Christmas Break, and alternating Thanksgivings and Spring Breaks, and I would agree to pay half of the airfare. However, you disagreed with this arrangement, and stated that you could not go “months” without seeing your son. I completely understood your point, so after giving the matter further consideration, I thought that since you were now willing to pay for private school to keep him here (which you did NOT agree to for his middle school education 2 years ago), perhaps rather than pay for private school, you could purchase a plane ticket each month to have him come down and stay with you for any weekend of your choosing. This would enable you to see him every month and still on the extended holiday visits. However, once again, you said no to this arrangement, citing that you don’t want him in North Carolina, because you “couldn’t see him if he got sick or something”. You also said that he was too young to get on a plane by himself at 13, and that if and when I move you will pick him up on your visitations, and not put him on a plane. However, I have researched this issue, and, for an additional small fee, children from the age of 5 and up can fly unattended, and the flight attendant will personally care for him throughout his travel, from one parent to the other.

Henry, I do not want to go to court, primarily because Danny is opposed to being put in front of the judge and having to talk. I am also trying to save both of us the cost of attorney's fees and possible court fees, but you are leaving me no options. As you can see, I have bent over backwards trying to come up with a solution that we can both agree to, that is in the best interest of Danny, but you seem to keep adding road blocks each time I talk to you regarding issues that were never mentioned before (as if you are making up excuses, rather than dealing with the facts). At this point, it truly feels as if you have turned this matter into a personal attack on me.

Page 2 of 2
1/19/06

I need you to take into consideration that my family can no longer afford to live here. My husband has gotten an offer for employment, which would raise our annual income by approximately $5,000.00, and due to the cost of living and public v. private school issue, our living expenses would be drastically reduced. I would no longer need to put all 3 of my children in private schools. Additionally, I have done extensive research into the crime rate and each area’s schools, and the schooling far exceeds the education that he would receive here. The crime index and registered sexual offenders statistics are much higher in Homestead than in Concord, North Carolina, and where Homestead’s crime index is 3 times higher than the national average, Concord’s crime index is below the national average.

Please understand that I am willing to listen to any suggestions that you might have to help us resolve this matter without having to go to court. Please let me know if you want to talk.

Regards,

Lynn

cc: Roberta Fox, Esq. (via facsimile)

JCarlson2004 · 01-19-2006, 10:55 AM

Very good letter. It's well thought out and well written. I would mail the letter via certified mail w/ a return receipt.

Rockster's Mom · 01-19-2006, 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JCarlson2004

Very good letter. It's well thought out and well written. I would mail the letter via certified mail w/ a return receipt.

I agree!!! Good Luck!!!

cchu · 01-19-2006, 11:15 AM

It is very well written!! Good luck with everything! Custody battles are the worst!! I hope you can work something out.

lisakurth · 01-19-2006, 11:51 AM

But is he a bad dad? It's so sad. My son is 5 and if I moved him away from his dad I think it would just devistate him. Like I said I don't know the situation. Sorry your son is going through this.

Lisa

teri88 · 01-19-2006, 12:14 PM

Wow, this is so hard for you. When my best friend got divorced she ended up moving back home from NJ to Utah. Her ex was not happy, but he got over it and learned to adjust. He even eventually moved to Utah! I hope you can work this out. You have to do what is best for your whole family. Best of luck.

Yorkieluv · 01-19-2006, 12:32 PM

Lynn, I know how hard this must be...Trust me, I have been through this myself, but not from your point-of-view. My parents got divorced when I was 10, and at the age of 12 my mom decided that it was time for us to move closer to the rest of our family. I was really sad because I didn't want to leave my dad or all of my friends that I had grown up with, but I supported my mom because I knew it would be best and that we would be surrounded with family. I visited my dad 3 times a yr (he paid for the plane tickets)...1 week for Christmas, 1 week for spring break, and 1 month in the summer. It worked out great for us, and I'm actually very glad that we moved because I got to go to better schools and I got to accomplish a lot of goals in middle school and high school that I couldn't have done in the small town that we lived. Flying was not that big of a deal at all! I was completely used to it, and there was always a flight attendant there with me...Also, most of the time, I got to fly first class if there were seats available up there. A 13 yr old kid flying by himself is not a big deal, esp. if the flight attendant is with you. Besides missing my dad, moving was actually one of the best things that could've happened to me.

bchgirl · 01-19-2006, 12:37 PM

It's a well written letter, but if I were you, I'd be contacting an attorney.

As a mother, I'd fight tooth and nail to prevent my child from moving several states away, so I understand his position. That does not mean I'm against your decision to move....I just understand his.

Yorkieluv · 01-19-2006, 01:13 PM

All states are different I think, but in many places if the child is over the age of 12, he/she can decide which parent to live with. It's really sad that he won't be with his dad anymore, and he's going to miss him a lot. I know you're just trying to better your son's quality of life. This is a really hard thing to go through.

lisakurth · 01-19-2006, 01:18 PM

I wonder if she'd move if he wanted to live with his dad? Just a thought.

i_love_my_yorki · 01-19-2006, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yorkieluv

All states are different I think, but in many places if the child is over the age of 12, he/she can decide which parent to live with. It's really sad that he won't be with his dad anymore, and he's going to miss him a lot. I know you're just trying to better your son's quality of life. This is a really hard thing to go through.

Thats true every state is different here in Canada you cannot move too far...

I hope it works out for all concerned here...

bchgirl · 01-19-2006, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by i_love_my_yorki

Thats true every state is different here in Canada you cannot move too far...

I hope it works out for all concerned here...

Works that way in the states too sometimes. I personally know someone in the military who had orders to re-locate. The father fought her to prevent her from taking the child with her. The child was 5 at the time. The court sided with the father....she moved, the kid stayed. That's why I said...talk to an attorney pronto.

Yorkieluv · 01-19-2006, 01:48 PM

Remember to consider the father's feelings about this also...It's going to be really hard for him too, not just your son....I guess I can just see both sides...Good luck and I hope everything works out for everyone.

Deja Blue · 01-19-2006, 01:49 PM

I wish you all the luck. I was in a similar situation 16 yrs ago. It is hard on the kids to be separated from their father, especially a boy. But you have your life with your present husband to think about. I hope your can convince your ex to agree to fly your son to visit him monthly, but can he afford it? Sorry I don't know the whole story either.
Most of the time divorce is all about 'power struggles' until the children are 18 yrs. old. That is how I see your situation and your son is going to pay the price until he is older.
At this point in my life, after divorce 16 yrs. ago, my son is now 29 yrs. old and lives near his dad and I live 1700 miles away. It is VERY hard, but he made his own choice as soon as he was old enough to do so. Have you considered that? What if he moved back to Dad's area after high school? He has that right.

Tiggerwit · 01-19-2006, 01:55 PM

I would definately contact an attorney, but only because I work for one and I've seen these things blow up so many times. I'm not sure how things work where you are but in Snohomish County here in WA you have to file a notice of intent to relocate with the court and give the other party so many days notice in case they protest it. A lot of people don't know that and move then have to fight it out in court because they violated the paperwork and are in contempt. Please note that I am not an attorney and by all means am not handing out legal advice, just advice as a mother. Here children don't appear before the judge, normally there is a GAL (Guardian ad Litem) appointed on behalf of the child to make the recommendations that are in the best interest of the child.

It would definately be worth the money to contact your attorney for advice on how to proceed with this, especially if he's going to give you a bad time.

Best of luck.

01-19-2006, 10:50 AM	#1
DaisyMaesMom and Ty too! Donating Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Denver, Nope, not Colorado Posts: 1,235	I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. Sorry to do this to you all again, but my ex is giving me a hard time about moving with my son and I have come up with a lot of solutions, all that he has turned down. I want you to read this letter that I am going to send him and let me know what you think.. Thanks!! As per our conversation last night, January 18, 2006, wherein I called you concerning my upcoming move to Concord, North Carolina; please understand that I am trying to work amicably with you toward a solution to keep Danny out of court and to continue your relationship with him. My first suggestion was that I would agree to Danny spending four weeks with you during the summer, a week at Christmas Break, and alternating Thanksgivings and Spring Breaks, and I would agree to pay half of the airfare. However, you disagreed with this arrangement, and stated that you could not go “months” without seeing your son. I completely understood your point, so after giving the matter further consideration, I thought that since you were now willing to pay for private school to keep him here (which you did NOT agree to for his middle school education 2 years ago), perhaps rather than pay for private school, you could purchase a plane ticket each month to have him come down and stay with you for any weekend of your choosing. This would enable you to see him every month and still on the extended holiday visits. However, once again, you said no to this arrangement, citing that you don’t want him in North Carolina, because you “couldn’t see him if he got sick or something”. You also said that he was too young to get on a plane by himself at 13, and that if and when I move you will pick him up on your visitations, and not put him on a plane. However, I have researched this issue, and, for an additional small fee, children from the age of 5 and up can fly unattended, and the flight attendant will personally care for him throughout his travel, from one parent to the other. Henry, I do not want to go to court, primarily because Danny is opposed to being put in front of the judge and having to talk. I am also trying to save both of us the cost of attorney's fees and possible court fees, but you are leaving me no options. As you can see, I have bent over backwards trying to come up with a solution that we can both agree to, that is in the best interest of Danny, but you seem to keep adding road blocks each time I talk to you regarding issues that were never mentioned before (as if you are making up excuses, rather than dealing with the facts). At this point, it truly feels as if you have turned this matter into a personal attack on me. Page 2 of 2 1/19/06 I need you to take into consideration that my family can no longer afford to live here. My husband has gotten an offer for employment, which would raise our annual income by approximately $5,000.00, and due to the cost of living and public v. private school issue, our living expenses would be drastically reduced. I would no longer need to put all 3 of my children in private schools. Additionally, I have done extensive research into the crime rate and each area’s schools, and the schooling far exceeds the education that he would receive here. The crime index and registered sexual offenders statistics are much higher in Homestead than in Concord, North Carolina, and where Homestead’s crime index is 3 times higher than the national average, Concord’s crime index is below the national average. Please understand that I am willing to listen to any suggestions that you might have to help us resolve this matter without having to go to court. Please let me know if you want to talk. Regards, Lynn cc: Roberta Fox, Esq. (via facsimile)

01-19-2006, 10:55 AM	#2
JCarlson2004 Mommy To 3 Poochies Donating Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: New York Posts: 8,287	Very good letter. It's well thought out and well written. I would mail the letter via certified mail w/ a return receipt. __________________ Mommy Loves Codie, Tia & Baby Cali RIP My Precious Katie - I Love You

01-19-2006, 11:15 AM	#4
cchu Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Queens, NY Posts: 1,485	It is very well written!! Good luck with everything! Custody battles are the worst!! I hope you can work something out. __________________ Christine and Zoe www.dogster.com/?269135 Yes guys...Zoe is a BOY!! He finally forgave me.

01-19-2006, 11:51 AM	#5
lisakurth Yorkie Yakker Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: indiana Posts: 72	Sorry to reply when I don't really know the situation... But is he a bad dad? It's so sad. My son is 5 and if I moved him away from his dad I think it would just devistate him. Like I said I don't know the situation. Sorry your son is going through this. Lisa

01-19-2006, 12:14 PM	#6
teri88 Donating YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: NJ Posts: 4,021	Wow, this is so hard for you. When my best friend got divorced she ended up moving back home from NJ to Utah. Her ex was not happy, but he got over it and learned to adjust. He even eventually moved to Utah! I hope you can work this out. You have to do what is best for your whole family. Best of luck. __________________ Teri Owned by and completely devoted to Tucker... Maddie, we will always love you *Bandit, you are always in my heart* Proud Member SSLS

01-19-2006, 12:32 PM	#7
Yorkieluv Donating YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: USA Posts: 7,178	Lynn, I know how hard this must be...Trust me, I have been through this myself, but not from your point-of-view. My parents got divorced when I was 10, and at the age of 12 my mom decided that it was time for us to move closer to the rest of our family. I was really sad because I didn't want to leave my dad or all of my friends that I had grown up with, but I supported my mom because I knew it would be best and that we would be surrounded with family. I visited my dad 3 times a yr (he paid for the plane tickets)...1 week for Christmas, 1 week for spring break, and 1 month in the summer. It worked out great for us, and I'm actually very glad that we moved because I got to go to better schools and I got to accomplish a lot of goals in middle school and high school that I couldn't have done in the small town that we lived. Flying was not that big of a deal at all! I was completely used to it, and there was always a flight attendant there with me...Also, most of the time, I got to fly first class if there were seats available up there. A 13 yr old kid flying by himself is not a big deal, esp. if the flight attendant is with you. Besides missing my dad, moving was actually one of the best things that could've happened to me. __________________ Miko 's his Mommy

01-19-2006, 12:37 PM	#8
bchgirl Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: at da beach Posts: 15,444 Blog Entries: 2	It's a well written letter, but if I were you, I'd be contacting an attorney. As a mother, I'd fight tooth and nail to prevent my child from moving several states away, so I understand his position. That does not mean I'm against your decision to move....I just understand his. __________________ Deb, Reese, Reggie, Frazier, Libby, Sidney, & Bodie Trace & Ramsey who watch over us www.biewersbythebay.com

01-19-2006, 01:13 PM	#9
Yorkieluv Donating YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: USA Posts: 7,178	All states are different I think, but in many places if the child is over the age of 12, he/she can decide which parent to live with. It's really sad that he won't be with his dad anymore, and he's going to miss him a lot. I know you're just trying to better your son's quality of life. This is a really hard thing to go through. __________________ Miko 's his Mommy

01-19-2006, 01:18 PM	#10
lisakurth Yorkie Yakker Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: indiana Posts: 72	I wonder if she'd move if he wanted to live with his dad? Just a thought.

01-19-2006, 01:48 PM	#13
Yorkieluv Donating YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: USA Posts: 7,178	Remember to consider the father's feelings about this also...It's going to be really hard for him too, not just your son....I guess I can just see both sides...Good luck and I hope everything works out for everyone. __________________ Miko 's his Mommy

01-19-2006, 01:49 PM	#14
Deja Blue Yorkie Talker Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: NV Posts: 10	I wish you all the luck. I was in a similar situation 16 yrs ago. It is hard on the kids to be separated from their father, especially a boy. But you have your life with your present husband to think about. I hope your can convince your ex to agree to fly your son to visit him monthly, but can he afford it? Sorry I don't know the whole story either. Most of the time divorce is all about 'power struggles' until the children are 18 yrs. old. That is how I see your situation and your son is going to pay the price until he is older. At this point in my life, after divorce 16 yrs. ago, my son is now 29 yrs. old and lives near his dad and I live 1700 miles away. It is VERY hard, but he made his own choice as soon as he was old enough to do so. Have you considered that? What if he moved back to Dad's area after high school? He has that right.

01-19-2006, 01:55 PM	#15
Tiggerwit Just me 'n my boys Donating Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Murphy, TX Posts: 4,596	I would definately contact an attorney, but only because I work for one and I've seen these things blow up so many times. I'm not sure how things work where you are but in Snohomish County here in WA you have to file a notice of intent to relocate with the court and give the other party so many days notice in case they protest it. A lot of people don't know that and move then have to fight it out in court because they violated the paperwork and are in contempt. Please note that I am not an attorney and by all means am not handing out legal advice, just advice as a mother. Here children don't appear before the judge, normally there is a GAL (Guardian ad Litem) appointed on behalf of the child to make the recommendations that are in the best interest of the child. It would definately be worth the money to contact your attorney for advice on how to proceed with this, especially if he's going to give you a bad time. Best of luck.