Etiquette for destination wedding?

[linz06]

I am not sure what the etiquette is for destination weddings!

In September, my husband and I are going to New Orleans for my cousin's wedding. We are the only two people going with them, because they don't want a big wedding. They just want us to be their witnesses. It is costing us between 2500-3000 to go down for a week (based on the cheapest flights, and bidding on hotels through Priceline!). We are travelling from Canada so it's a bit of an expense. We also are using up a week of holidays from work for it. Are we still expected to buy them a gift? If nobody else is actually invited to the wedding, should she have a bridal shower? Bachelorette party? Being the only person going to the wedding, I am basically the bridesmaid and should be planning these things for her, if they are happening.

In November, my brother is getting married in Mexico. This is a huge expense for us, because they originally were getting married here in our city. So we went ahead and booked our holidays for this year to take into account my cousin's wedding, as well as our dream trip to Africa which we did earlier this year. Then, my brother announced his resort wedding in Mexico, at a place that through their travel agent, would cost over $1500 EACH to go down. I found it cheaper on Expedia and booked there instead. We have a layover but we stay at the same place and save $300 each. At this point, every penny counts.

My brother got really upset at me for not booking through their agent. When my husband talked to their agent about getting the same rate, the agent told him that their rates are higher because my brother and his fiance get the monetary equivalent of 1 free stay (so about $1500) for every 10 people who book through the agent, plus for a certain number of bookings through them, they get extra stuff added to their wedding at no cost to them. So they are getting kickbacks, and I think that's why my brother got upset with me. They did not do actual invitations, but invited a few hundred people on a Facebook event. They invited their whole friends lists basically - even friends of mine who grew up in the same town as my brother but have never been friends with him.

So all of that said, this is costing us about $2500 extra that we didn't budget for this year, as well as we each have to take one week off work with no pay because we already have our paid holidays used up by then. It's a huge cost, but I can't just skip my brother's wedding! Am I still expected to buy a gift?

I've never been to a destination wedding before, and I had my own wedding locally, so I'm not sure how to go about this! When I google it, I get all sorts of different answers. My cousin's wedding is sort of a special case because it's more of an elopement, that everyone knows about but nobody is invited to.

If it makes any difference, both sets of bride and groom got us great gifts at our wedding and I feel like we should reciprocate that, but travelling to be there for their weddings alone is a HUGE expense. It's thousands and thousands of dollars that we don't just have laying around, but we really want to be there for their weddings.

[JasmineNoelle]

If I had planned a destination wedding, the people I invited would be my precious gifts. IMHO people are a tad greedy, weddings are really the coming together of family and friends to celebrate the love and commitment of two people, NOT the gifts. Also, in today's economy, I would never put myself in a financial bind for a gift. This is just MHO, I am really not into etiquette when it will put me into debt, I think that is asking to much. Maybe the peeps who wrote the etiquette books has more money than other people. JMHO.

[Lil Sis]

I googles destination wedding etiquette... this is something I found

Is it tacky to register for gifts if we're having a destination wedding?
It is not tacky at all to register for gifts if you're having a destination wedding as long as you make sure your wish list covers a wide range of prices -- after all, you don't want anyone to feel pressured to spend more than they're comfortable with. "Remember that your guests will be spending lots of money to get to the wedding, and that's a huge gift in itself," says Brenda Babcock, whose company, Italia Celebrations, organizes destination weddings throughout Italy. If creating a wish list makes you feel uncomfortable, suggest that guests make donations to your favorite charity instead, or skip it altogether.

I would say get a simple --not expensive gift if you feel you must. I don't see any harm is hostessing a shower for your consin... if she would like one.

I, personaly,would talk to your brother. I am not too sure if he is "showing" proper etiquette !!!

Now... saying this.. I am very old fashion. I can not stand the practice here of having showers that the guest are "charged" to attend. I say, if you can't afford to give the shower - then don't. I will not attend a shower that I am charged to go.. So in my book -- both weddings are sort of charging the "quest" so they should not expect a lot of gifts.

[linz06]

I feel on the fence about the bridal shower for my cousin. In the first place, when they announced they were getting married and it would be in New Orleans, a few of our family members were telling me they were excited and saving up to go, and wanted me to let them know when it was. I told my cousin this, and she told me to tell them they can't come. It came up again at Christmas and I did NOT feel comfortable telling them "Sorry, she said you're not invited" so I kind of just said it's in September but they hadn't set a date yet, and I didn't really know any other details. Nobody asked again, and I think when no invitations came, they realized they are not invited to the wedding. I feel like it might be tacky now to throw a shower in which the whole purpose is "showering with gifts" and invite the family (she doesn't really have many friends) when they are not allowed to come to the wedding itself. She lives about 4 hours from our closest family, and she is a single mom of 3, so everyone would need to travel down there for the shower as well. So I may end up throwing a shower where nobody shows up, or where some people feel obligated to show up but think it's in bad taste.

In the beginning she told me she didn't want to do a "real" wedding and doesn't care about any of that stuff, but lately changed her mind and said maybe she DOES want to have a bridal shower. I'm not sure where to go with this.

[linz06]

So this is sort of in the same category, but another friend of my husband's is getting married this summer, and their invitation had instructions to RSVP at a website. My husband went to that website and it was down or something was not working and he couldn't RSVP. So last night, he sent his friend a message saying "I can't get your website to work but just wanted to let you know we won't be able to make it to the wedding" (It's on the coast - about a 12 hour drive one-way or a very expensive flight, and we had to pick family weddings first). His friend replied "Scott, over 150 people have RSVP'd through the website. My 98 year old grandmother could do it. I have faith in you." and then 15 minutes later, before my husband even received the first message, he wrote another saying "Just a fair warning, I am really pissed off with all of this wedding stuff and if you are going to ask stupid questions, you will be treated accordingly" My husband wrote back "Sorry, we will not be able to make it to the wedding." but he was fuming. That was pretty rude of his friend! We were planning to send a card and a gift with some other friends who are attending, but I really do not want to send a gift after being treated like that. Should I just let it go and spend the money, or just simply send a card with our congratulations?

Weddings just make everyone crazy I guess

[107barney]

No, I don't think a shower is in good taste. I would however give a gift for the couple.

[brezofleur]

What a jerk. I can't stand weddings for this reason. Send a card and say good riddance.

As for the destination, no, you are not expected to get a gift. I would probably still get something, though, even if it's small.

As for the shower, no, I don't think it would be a good idea. At least, not without talking to your cousin. Did she explain why she didn't want family? If she hasn't, she really explain it to the family, especially if people were expecting to go just to keep good graces. In the end, it's THEIR wedding, not the family's, and they can do whatever they want.

As for your brother...he should get over it and better NOT expect gifts from those that did book through the TA. I would give a gift to him, though, even if it's small.

[linz06]

Okay I will try to figure out gifts for the destination weddings. In my brother's case, they are also going to host a reception at home after the wedding (they already booked one when their wedding was going to be here, and will lose their deposit if they don't use it). Should I take a gift to Mexico for their actual wedding, or would it be okay to leave it until they do the reception at home? A lot of people can't afford the wedding and will just be going to the reception at home, and I'm sure they will have gift tables set up there for all of those people. I feel it might be more of a hassle to take gifts to Mexico, because if everyone does that, how do they bring it all back? Maybe we could just take it over to their house sometime before or after the wedding...

Lol I had a simple traditional wedding, and I feel like the destination wedding might be easier for the bride and groom, but so much harder for the guests!!! My grandma and my parents have both asked me what to do about gifts. My grandma is using all of her savings to go so I told her that I'm sure going there will be enough of a gift for them. But on the other hand, she talked to my brother's fiance and asked if they know what they want for wedding gifts and she said they hadn't decided yet. So it almost sounds like they are expecting gifts from everyone as well.

[Mistymillar]

Weddings used to be a time for families to just be together and celebrate welcoming a new member. A church service and a cup of tea and cake in the church hall, or a horse drawn carriage and ceremony at a cathedral, whatever you could afford (or your parents could afford).
Guests were expected to come along, enjoy themselves and bring a gift if they wanted to.
Now it sames greed has taken over like it has for every other occasion, getting the biggest discounts and extras t the expense of your family and friends.
I couldn't be at my oldest nieces wedding as it was overseas, my husband was ill and had, had to quit his job due to his ill health so no way could we afford to go.
Such a shame. I would give a token gift only for both couples and enjoy the trips as much as you can.

[capt_noonie]

Originally Posted by Lil Sis

I googles destination wedding etiquette... this is something I found

Is it tacky to register for gifts if we're having a destination wedding?
It is not tacky at all to register for gifts if you're having a destination wedding as long as you make sure your wish list covers a wide range of prices -- after all, you don't want anyone to feel pressured to spend more than they're comfortable with. "Remember that your guests will be spending lots of money to get to the wedding, and that's a huge gift in itself," says Brenda Babcock, whose company, Italia Celebrations, organizes destination weddings throughout Italy. If creating a wish list makes you feel uncomfortable, suggest that guests make donations to your favorite charity instead, or skip it altogether.

I would say get a simple --not expensive gift if you feel you must. I don't see any harm is hostessing a shower for your consin... if she would like one.

I, personaly,would talk to your brother. I am not too sure if he is "showing" proper etiquette !!!

Now... saying this.. I am very old fashion. I can not stand the practice here of having showers that the guest are "charged" to attend. I say, if you can't afford to give the shower - then don't. I will not attend a shower that I am charged to go.. So in my book -- both weddings are sort of charging the "quest" so they should not expect a lot of gifts.

I agree!
One of my friends works for a stationery company and her specialty is wedding invitations. We had a conversation before about destination weddings, and me not knowing a lot about wedding ettiquette asked, Why would anyone have a destination wedding? That cost so much money for people to get there! She said that's the point. They DON'T want a bunch of people going, but they still feel obligated to invite them.

I also find it very odd (saying it nicely) that he didn't even put out formal invitations. Weddings are one of the FEW things that I think you cannot do without formal invites. the fact that he did it the "free" way was tacky in it of itself. He's just trying to invite as many people as he can so he can get free stuff.

[KazzyK810]

I'd give a gift for any wedding, destination or not.

Your brother expecting you to book through his agent so he gets a kickback...hmmm. Sorry, I'd be booking where I got the best deal, too!

But a shower for someone who doesn't want anyone else invited to their wedding...just seems wrong. Many people seem to have destination weddings, and then later have a wedding celebration party back home. Are they doing that? Or just don't want to celebrate their union with anyone else other than you & your hubby?

[capt_noonie]

The more I go to weddings and hear about wedding drama, the more I am happy with my decision to never get married. Weddings are supposed to be a happy occasion, yet many think it gives them a free for all to be greedy, mean, thoughtless, etc.

Originally Posted by linz06

I feel on the fence about the bridal shower for my cousin. In the first place, when they announced they were getting married and it would be in New Orleans, a few of our family members were telling me they were excited and saving up to go, and wanted me to let them know when it was. I told my cousin this, and she told me to tell them they can't come. It came up again at Christmas and I did NOT feel comfortable telling them "Sorry, she said you're not invited" so I kind of just said it's in September but they hadn't set a date yet, and I didn't really know any other details. Nobody asked again, and I think when no invitations came, they realized they are not invited to the wedding. I feel like it might be tacky now to throw a shower in which the whole purpose is "showering with gifts" and invite the family (she doesn't really have many friends) when they are not allowed to come to the wedding itself. She lives about 4 hours from our closest family, and she is a single mom of 3, so everyone would need to travel down there for the shower as well. So I may end up throwing a shower where nobody shows up, or where some people feel obligated to show up but think it's in bad taste.

In the beginning she told me she didn't want to do a "real" wedding and doesn't care about any of that stuff, but lately changed her mind and said maybe she DOES want to have a bridal shower. I'm not sure where to go with this.

If no one gets to go to her wedding, when people clearly showed they WANTED to go, she doesn't get a shower.

Originally Posted by linz06

So this is sort of in the same category, but another friend of my husband's is getting married this summer, and their invitation had instructions to RSVP at a website. My husband went to that website and it was down or something was not working and he couldn't RSVP. So last night, he sent his friend a message saying "I can't get your website to work but just wanted to let you know we won't be able to make it to the wedding" (It's on the coast - about a 12 hour drive one-way or a very expensive flight, and we had to pick family weddings first). His friend replied "Scott, over 150 people have RSVP'd through the website. My 98 year old grandmother could do it. I have faith in you." and then 15 minutes later, before my husband even received the first message, he wrote another saying "Just a fair warning, I am really pissed off with all of this wedding stuff and if you are going to ask stupid questions, you will be treated accordingly" My husband wrote back "Sorry, we will not be able to make it to the wedding." but he was fuming. That was pretty rude of his friend! We were planning to send a card and a gift with some other friends who are attending, but I really do not want to send a gift after being treated like that. Should I just let it go and spend the money, or just simply send a card with our congratulations?

Weddings just make everyone crazy I guess

Your DH's friend never had the thought cross his mind that maybe the server was down? That was SO rude of him to reply like that.

[capt_noonie]

Originally Posted by brezofleur

What a jerk. I can't stand weddings for this reason. Send a card and say good riddance.

As for the destination, no, you are not expected to get a gift. I would probably still get something, though, even if it's small.

As for the shower, no, I don't think it would be a good idea. At least, not without talking to your cousin. Did she explain why she didn't want family? If she hasn't, she really explain it to the family, especially if people were expecting to go just to keep good graces. In the end, it's THEIR wedding, not the family's, and they can do whatever they want.

As for your brother...he should get over it and better NOT expect gifts from those that did book through the TA. I would give a gift to him, though, even if it's small.

And SHE should be explaining to the family. She shouldn't expect someone else to give the bad news out.

[linz06]

I agree about the invitations!!!! A lot of my family is not on Facebook. My parents and grandma don't own a computer! They weren't even invited with a phone call, just word of mouth. I didn't know their wedding date until I got the invitation to the Facebook event. I don't know if our other grandma even knows about it - my brother doesn't talk to her. Most people here take winter vacations anyway, and I feel like they were hoping they'd just have them all go to their wedding as their winter vacation, and as an extra bonus get to party with all their friends in Mexico for a week.

[capt_noonie]

Originally Posted by linz06

Okay I will try to figure out gifts for the destination weddings. In my brother's case, they are also going to host a reception at home after the wedding (they already booked one when their wedding was going to be here, and will lose their deposit if they don't use it). Should I take a gift to Mexico for their actual wedding, or would it be okay to leave it until they do the reception at home? A lot of people can't afford the wedding and will just be going to the reception at home, and I'm sure they will have gift tables set up there for all of those people. I feel it might be more of a hassle to take gifts to Mexico, because if everyone does that, how do they bring it all back? Maybe we could just take it over to their house sometime before or after the wedding...

Lol I had a simple traditional wedding, and I feel like the destination wedding might be easier for the bride and groom, but so much harder for the guests!!! My grandma and my parents have both asked me what to do about gifts. My grandma is using all of her savings to go so I told her that I'm sure going there will be enough of a gift for them. But on the other hand, she talked to my brother's fiance and asked if they know what they want for wedding gifts and she said they hadn't decided yet. So it almost sounds like they are expecting gifts from everyone as well.

You can have the gift sent to their house before the wedding, or you have up to one year (if I remember correctly) after the wedding to send something. I would not bring the gift to Mexico. hard for you and hard for them to bring it back. Unless it's cash.