Humor for dog-lovers (a must-read!)

[Passionfruition]

Letter to my Pets:

-When I say to move, it means to go someplace else --- not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

-The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

-The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this, but do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me — then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids .. they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college --- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

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DOG'S TOP 10 PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me....not funny.....not very funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking.....I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose....stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not at home.

6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain....you nitwit.

7. Taking me to the vet for the 'Big Snip', and then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

8. Getting upset when I sniff your guest's crotches. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Idiot!

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

[aimee]

Originally Posted by Passionfruition

-When I say to move, it means to go someplace else --- not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

-The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this, but do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm

Those so apply to this house! Thanks for the laugh!

[I_love_lucy]

Excellent!!! Its soo true! Now if only I could teach the Lucy to read!!!

[bld2751]

Very very funny!

[Babbie]

Ohh my God...i have to print the rules for my guests...they better understand who is the boss there (and that would be mojo...heheheh)

[Chelsie1978]

LOL..Iv printed that out or my self and HAD to cross post this!!! Its hilarious and how true!!!! LMAO!!!!
Thanks for sharing!!

[natalie]

That is just toooo hilarious!!!

[Passionfruition]

You're so welcome! LMAO....I have read this thing like ten times and it still makes me laugh!!!

[iheartyorkies]

Very cute! Thanks for sharing!!

[orinskye]

VERY funny...... i cant believe how true these are