My husband and I decided to purchase a Yorkie almost two years ago. We chose one from a breeder close to home. He came with the name John Wayne. That is actually what helped us to fall in love with him before we even met. Finally the day came when he blessed us. From the moment we brought him home he brought us so much joy. He was my best friend! I am a work from home/stay at home mom. He was always there for me. Everyone loved him. He was truely amazing. He never had a moment in his life when he wasnt loved, even at the breeder. They were a small breeder and took great care of their pups. He was the golden child of the breed. Everyone loved him, truely.
I made the fateful mistake of allowing him to roam my yard, attended but not leashed. The whole family knew to stay with him and he stayed in the yard. One day, something took his curiosity and he got away from my 8 year old son. I was unable to take him out myself because I was recovering from a total hip replacement. My son, thinking he would come back, got side tracked and moved on to something else.
I will never forget the moment I realized he was gone. The local police knocked on my door... and that is when my world stopped. I was in disbelief that it was MY BABY! After my husband brought him home for his final farewell I didnt know what to do. Nothing I did could help that pain go away. It has been almost two weeks and I am still lost. I truely felt like someone had ripped my heart out. It felt as if I lost a child - in some ways I did. I think back to how I could have done things differently. I have to live with this guilt, yes I deserve it. I had the perfect pet for me and my family and one decision to not chain him out changed our world forever. Not a day goes by when I dont think about what I could have done.
We made the decision today to get another yorkie baby. That was both bitter & sweet. I have a second chance, but do I deserve it? Everything our new baby does reminds me of John Wayne and I just think I should still be sitting with JW on my lap right now. I should be headed off to bed with him in tow. He should be able to meet his little brother and "show him the way."
I am making him a beautiful garden around his final resting place. I visit him often and just talk. I wonder if I am ever going to see him again. I wonder if he forgives me for being so irresponsible. I wonder what he was thinking when he ran off. I wonder what I did to deserve to feel so much grief. I wonder why my time with him was so short.
But I take some comfort in knowing that I had almost two wonderful years with him that I would not trade for anything. I am just being greedy and feel I should have had so many more. I knew what he meant to me. I always told him that when he was alive. I take comfort in knowing that I gave him my all and that he could not have been loved anymore.
My emotions are still mixed and I just dont know what to do. I hope that time does heal this wound. But then I wonder if I deserve to be forgiven for letting something so important to me get away.
No one understands the grief you experience when loosing a pet. I didnt understand until now. I feel like I am crazy for feeling the way I do. I just felt as if I could not go on. Some people made comments that were hurtful and placed blame, some just didnt want to listen. I didnt have anywhere else to go or anyone else to talk to. I hope that by posting this blog I will find the support that I need. If not, I am glad to just let it all out.
John Wayne was wonderful. My new puppy is not to replace him, that is impossible. I think I was meant to get this puppy. I have a lot of love to give and didnt think it was fair to let it all go to waste. There are so many puppies out there that need a good loving home. This one is just more improved and loving.